if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
