3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Buhtt sex?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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