my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
