My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
