Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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