My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
