i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
