so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i believe in u and ur pee
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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