Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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