News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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