I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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