There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
