My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I deserve this hangover.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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