FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
