Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
