Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
