well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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