you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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