I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
