So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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