I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize