I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
