I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
