Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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