In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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