It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
