Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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