Are we in a gay sports bar?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dear god my vagina.
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