i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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