R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
