how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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