I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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