my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
