I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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