Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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