so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
