Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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