im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
