doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
