If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
