I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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