no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
