Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
