K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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