I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
