I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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