Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
