Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
