There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
