Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
