is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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