Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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