I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
