worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
