I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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