I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
